


Just This Once

by red_savage



Category: Marvel Ultimates
Genre: Cliche: Yentas and matchmakers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-29
Updated: 2009-08-29
Packaged: 2017-10-11 04:36:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/108462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_savage/pseuds/red_savage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony's help is not wanted, but Tony isn't going to let a little detail like that get in the way of helping out a friend through a dry spell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just This Once

Title: Just This Once  
Author: red_savage   
Fandom: Ultimates - 1610  
Cliche: Yentas and matchmakers  
Characters/Pairing: Tony Stark/Steve Rogers  
Rating/Warning: NSFW / R (adult concepts)  
Beta: No beta was tortured in the production of this fic.  
Word Count: 1149  
Summery: Tony's help is not wanted, but Tony isn't going to let a little detail like that get in the way of helping out a friend through a dry spell.  
A/N: Lots of talking heads and LULZ.

"This isn't going to work, Tony."

 

"Give it a go, Steve-o. You might meet the sweetheart of your dreams."

 

"And you've used this service before?"

 

"They do the basic background checks for me."

 

"And it's worked so well for you so far."

 

"Natasha pulled the wool over everybody's eyes, including S.H.I.E.L.D.'s. Anyway, I didn't meet her through this service. Not everybody is cut out for domestic bliss, but I know there's a lucky woman out there. There's one for each of us, Steve. Try it just this once."

 

"Fine."

 

The two men walk out of the limo and into the tall skyscraper's lobby. Steve stands silently in the elevator as the lights ding on and off as each floor passes. Tony can't keep still and takes several nips off the small flask he carries in his jacket. When the doors open he rushes out of the elevator up to the receptionist desk and makes the following demand, "Mr. Stark and Mr. Rogers are here to see Ms. Adobe. We're a little early; could you let her know we're here, please?"

 

Shortly Ms. Adobe rushes out of her office and enthusiastically greets the two men before herding them into her office. Before they can be seated Steve blurts out, "Tony says this is all confidential. Is that true?"

 

"Quite. The candidates won't know you're real name unless of course you choose to reveal yourself."

 

Steve gives a questioning look at Tony, "Yeah, but -- how are you supposed to marry, if..."

 

Tony pipes up, "What I think he's trying to say is that he isn't looking for my kind of 'placement services'. My good man here is looking for his one true love so he can march off happily into the sunset. He's trying to meet the right kind of sweet all-American girl."

 

Ms. Adobe takes a dry swallow. "Um, we'll do our very best to exceed your expectations of us. Can I get you anything before we start, gentlemen?"

 

Steve says, "I'd like some water, please if you don't mind."

 

Ms. Adobe looks at Tony, as he says, "I'd like your famous jaunty diamond fizz."

\---

The consultant opens up a portfolio on her desk blotter and pulls out a sheet of paper. "I have a list of questions, here then we can get down to specifics. Preferred hair color?"

 

Steve shrugs, "I, um ..."

 

"A redhead for our hero!"

 

"Eye color?"

 

"Well, I –"

 

"Green cat-like eyes."

 

"Build?"

 

"Maybe like --"

 

"Like a brick shit-house."

 

"Tony!" Steve stands and glares at Tony Stark.

 

Tony motions for Steve to sit. "I'm only trying to help out, old boy. Ms. Adobe is a very busy person. Don't try to censor your answers by over-thinking this. Whatever comes to mind, however wild? Throw it out there."

 

"I don't want wild." Steve looks across the desk to Ms. Adobe. "I want a nice girl, um person, to marry. Thank you for your time, Miss." Steve looks at Tony. "Let's go."

 

"Wait, wait wait – Mister Rogers! Please, have a seat. We've only started."

\---

"You can't complain, old boy. You didn't even give it chance." Tony Stark gazes outside the darkened glass of the limo into New York pre-rush hour traffic. "Hey, I've heard about this amazing club on the south side of town -- chess aficionados you know . We could stop by there on the way back?"

 

"No, thank you, Tony. I told you I don't need you paying someone to have sex with me."

 

"It's not like that at all. I'm sure you could have found someone to hit it off with. And if you and her went a couple rounds in the bedroom, then it's good fun for everyone. It would do you some good, maybe you could move on from Jan, eh?"

 

"That's none of your business, Tony."

 

"My therapist says the best medicine is to get back up after the horse has kicked you off and go find another one to ride." Tony gives Steve a salacious little wink. "Although it's my understanding that particular analogy should be altered in your case."

 

"Oh God please, shut up Tony. I don't need any more of your 'advice'."

 

"My understanding is that in your case, the horse dropped dead from boredom. Maybe I should give you the number for my therapist. Reichian therapy would do you wonders, my boy."

 

"I don't need any kind of therapy, whatever the devil it is. Jan and I had a good love life!"

 

"Really? Now do tell."

 

"A gentleman doesn't discuss such crude details, Tony. It wasn't that. It was everything else, Tony. She and I didn't fit together. We weren't meant for each other. Just drop it okay?"

 

"How about that sultry little minx, Carol Danvers? You and her could compare notes and combat positions. Lip-locks and love-bruises, eh? You two would make a right pair."

 

"Dames are different now days, Tony. They act like men. I'd just as soon as kiss one as the other and some of them are just as hairy and smelly."

 

"You would kiss a guy, over that red-blooded hot blond mama?"

 

"I'm saying that I think there are more important qualities than appearance, Tony. There may be someone out there for both of us."

 

"Very broad-minded of you, Steve. A three-some with you, I and someone special would be a very mind blowing experience. The odds of finding someone that would be into both of us would be astronomical."

 

"Tony?"

 

" ' Wanted someone who's into both blond shy hard bodies and the tall dark handsome type. Note both are members of the world famous Ultimates.' We'd have to beat off the hordes with sticks."

 

"Uh, that's not what I meant Tony. I meant –"

 

Tony beings to laugh at Steve's befuddlement. "I know old man. The look on your face was priceless. Absolutely priceless." Tony has to wipe a tear out one of his eyes. "Ah well, 'Operation Get Cap a Dame' has failed miserably. I was worried we might get to your friends' house around half-past fashionably late. Traffic -- terrible you know. We could have taken the helicopter –"

 

"This is fine, Tony. Gail will be just putting the food on the table -- love her pot roast. I appreciate you going with me to have dinner with Gail and Bucky. It means a lot."

 

"You drive a hard bargain. Since you didn't sit through the entire interview, you know this means you have to go with me to that gallery opening later this week where there will be plenty of hot eligible honeys."

 

"We're almost there. I'll go if you'll stop nagging me about dames. That is the last thing I want to talk about over Gail's dinner."

 

"Right-o. So what qualities do you want in this special man for your life? Dashing and charming of course. Is dark hair, okay?"

 

Steve shrugs, "Know anyone that's hairy and smelly?"

 

"Not a soul, I'm afraid to say. No one that's suitable anyway."

 

"Tony?"

 

"Yes."

 

"You're kind of hairy."

 

"Shut up, old man. Just shut up."

Fin.


End file.
